The squirrels have struck again!! This is from an actual 911 call:
CALLER:"I have a large tree in my backyard ... there's a squirrel stuck in the tree."
OH MY GOD!!!! SEND IN THE NATIONAL GUARD!!!! CALL THE MILITARY!!! THESE PEOPLE ARE IN DANGER!!!
However, the helpful 911 operator is unaware of the danger, so he continues:
OPERATOR:"Ma'am, this is a squirrel? In a tree? What's the problem?"
What do you mean, "What's the problem?" There is a squirrel in a tree! IT'S AN ISSUE OF HOMELAND SECURITY!
CALLER:"It's been there for about an hour. It's crying; it needs help. There's a problem," the caller insisted.
Wait a second, the caller wants to help the squirrel? Let the squirrel cry! Did you know that squirrels are responsible for the death of a dog, and for eating my watermelon once?
OPERATOR: "Ma'am, sorry, but this isn't necessarily a police issue. It's a wild animal, sitting in a tree. It's supposed to be doing that. The squirrel will be OK. It'll climb down when it's ready,"
CALLER: "Are you telling me you're not sending me an officer?"
Hey, caller, 911 is just trying to protect the officer...what you really need now is a tank. You might have been able to fix the problem with a couple grenades, but it sounds like the squirrel is completely 'dug-in' by now.
OPERATOR: "Sorry ma'am, this isn't a police issue. [DARN RIGHT! IT'S A HOMELAND SECURITY ISSUE!]An officer wouldn't be able to do anything. The squirrel will be just fine, really."
This is getting worse and worse. The operator is showing a complete disregard for the safety of humans...he even sounds like he cares about the squirrel! Doesn't he know we're in a war??
CALLER: "But police officers help people in need right?"
OF COURSE THEY DO! THAT'S WHY THEY WOULD NEVER HELP A SQUIRREL!!!
OPERATOR: "Yes, ma'am. Squirrels are not people."
Well, this is the first time either of them showed any common sense.
CALLER: "Well, never mind, anyway. You've spent so much time explaining why an officer won't help me, the squirrel left. Thanks."
PHEW!!! I"M glad that the unsuspecting victim-caller was spared. We may not be so lucky next time.
On the other hand, maybe this had the potential for a darwin-award-like moment....hmmm...I shall have to think about this.
Can you immagine how much of our tax dollars must go to support stuff like this? And, where did this caller go to school anyway?
The only way I can really rationalize and explain this incident is that the squirrels are starting to break into our mind and replace our thoughts with pro-squirrel propaganda. It's the only way this call makes sense! So, make sure you keep a firm grip on your brain the next time you walk by a tree.
The moral of the story is, support deforestation. Not only does it protect us from ninjas*, but it keeps the squirrel population at bay!
Thank you to the Honorable Althouse for providing me with most of my squirrel info...
*Q. Do ninjas hide in trees?A. All the time, so cut down trees. No safe haven for ninjas! - IMAO, FAQ on Ninja's